The
Pilgrim's Digress
By
Jim Pappas
Copyright 1979

A short, one-act drama depicting the necessity of personal Bible study and prayer to find God's path for us as we move towards heaven.

Length: 15-20 minutes

Characters: 1. Honest Pilgrim
2. Tape Pusher
3. Luke Warm
4. Many Byways

Props: Honest Pilgrim carries a Bible

Tape Pusher carries a cassette player, a briefcase full of tapes, and wears an overcoat inside of which are sewn scores of cassettes.

Luke Warm carries a church magazine. He also has a chair (preferably an easy chair) in which he fitfully dozes while Pusher & Byways speak.

Many Byways carries a long roll of paper that can be unrolled, on which are written several time charts of the last days

Staging: This play is very simple and can be done in a Reader's Theatre style with two microphones onstage for the speakers. Wherever there is an XXX you are to supply the name of the latest controversial speaker, prophecy, etc.

Scene I

Pilgrim: (Comes onstage and reads his Bible until he notices a fellow traveler) Good day, sir.

Pusher: (He has headphones on and can't hear)

Pilgrim: I said good day, sir...

Pusher: Eh?

Pilgrim: Where are you bound to?

Pusher: To the Celestial City, of course.

Pilgrim: What do you have in your ear? A hearing aid?

Pusher: Hearing aid! Of course not! I'm listening to a tape about the Celestial City.

Pilgrim: Oh, a fellow traveler. My name is Pilgrim. Honest Pilgrim.

Pusher: Pusher's my name. Tape Pusher.

Pilgrim: Why are you called that?

Pusher: I'm not sure, exactly.T'is a cross that I must bear I guess. But have I ever got a deal for you! Have you heard the latest XXXXX (Name of your favorite religious scandal monger) tape yet?

Pilgrim: No.

Pusher: No! Oh you'll love this one. It was made just before he had to go into hiding. Loaded with all kinds of goodies.

Pilgrim: Does it show me the way to the Celestial City?

Pusher: It reveals the plans of the evil one. Forewarned is forearmed, you know.

Pilgrim: Do you have any others to choose from?

Pusher: Do I have others!? (Opens coat to reveal scores of tapes sewn to the inside of his overcoat)

Pilgrim: Oh, my!

Pusher: And! I have a few more in these cases here.

Pilgrim: My, you certainly have a good selection.

Pusher: And this is nothing. Nothing! You ought to see my library. I've got a high speed super quality duplicator and I can even get you a special deal on a recorder.

Pilgrim: Really? What would be best for me to listen to?

Pusher: Well, that depends on what you want to know.

Pilgrim: I want to know how to get to the Celestial City. What will help me most?

Pusher: Well, that depends on your particular problem.

Pilgrim: Problem?

Pusher: Yes. If you're interested in what the New Age Movement is up to you need to listen to Dr. XXXX. Interested in the Illuminati?, CFR?, Bilderburgers etc? Then you've got to listen to Reverend XXXX..

Pilgrim: Oh.

Pusher: Got family troubles? Listen to Minerth-Meyer. On every day and I tape them all.

Pilgrim: Is that legal?

Pusher: We're all in the Lord's work together, Brother. In it together!

Pilgrim: Oh.

Pusher: Want to know about behind the scenes of world events? Got some tapes here by an ex ambassador named XXXX.

Pilgrim: Uh, do you have any teachings on righteousness by faith?

Pusher: Depends.

Pilgrim: On what?

Pusher: On what variety you happen to like.

Pilgrim: I'm afraid I don't understand.

Pusher: Well, friend, righteousness by faith is such a vast and complex subject that there are several versions of it. Some of the leaders of the different camps are Reverend XXXX, Pastor XXXX., Dr. XXXX, and of course we mustn't forget the works of Professor XXXX.. Not only that but...

Pilgrim: You mean all of these great men believe differently?

Pusher: Sure.

Pilgrim: And you sell all their tapes?

Pusher: Sure. I'm not called Tape Pusher for nothing. Say, maybe thats how I got my name. Do you think so?

Pilgrim: But aren't you afraid that you might be selling some versions that may contain error?

Pusher: Hey! That's not my problem. My part is to lay the options before the Lord's people. The Holy Spirit will help each person to find the one true way.

Pilgrim: There is one true way, then.

Pusher: Of course!

Pilgrim: Is it difficult to find?

Pusher: Of course not.

Pilgrim: Have you found it?

Pusher: Of course!

Pilgrim: Which of your tapes teaches it?

Pusher: Well I... er - that is... well you know, it really isn't fair for me to try to push my opinion on you.

Pilgrim: Oh, but I'd like to know.

Pusher: Well I... uh... Say, have you heard about the "Weather War Devastation of America"? The whole thing is a plot.

Pilgrim: What?

Pusher: Yeah. All these weird weather patterns - they've figured out how to control the jet streams or something. Here, tape #675 A has the details.

(Enter Mr. Byways who pauses to overhear)

Pilgrim: But I want to know the way to the city. Can you tell me?

Pusher: Sure I can. It's right over in that direction (Pointing stage left) and the fastest way...

Byways: Ah! Don't listen to Him. He's so busy with his tapes that he doesn't even have time to look at the Guidebook.

Pusher: I do so.

Byways: OK Tapeworm, So tell me the last time you read in the Guidebook?

Pusher: Well...I'm awfully busy distributing tapes to lost souls and...

Byways: See!

Pusher: But I listen to tapes about the Guidebook. Lots of'em. I know more about the book than most and in addition I know what's really going on in the world.

Pilgrim: Excuse me, sir. Are you going to the Celestial City?

Byways: Am I going to the Celestial City? What kind of question is that?

Pilgrim: Are you?

Byways: Of course I am!

Pilgrim: May I ask your name?

Byways: Byway's my name. Many Byways.

Pilgrim: (Aside to himself) These people have such strange names) Uh, pleased to meet you, Mr. Byways. Do you know the way to the City?

Byways: Of course. It's right in that direction. (Pointing stage right

Pusher: It is not!

Byways: It is so!

Pusher: It is not!

Byways: It is so!

Luke Warm: (Stirring from slumber) Would you two be quiet.

Pilgrim: Who's he?

Pusher: You don't want to know.
(Together)
Byways: You don't want to know.

Pilgrim: Oh. Sir.You say the City is this way?

Byways: Yes.

Pilgrim: But you were going that way.

Byways: Sure.

Pilgrim: But this way isn't that way.

Byways: Sure it is. In a way, all roads lead home, you know.

Pilgrim: But how can you get to the city by going away from the city?

Byways: I can see you don't read the Guidebook much.

Pilgrim: What do you mean?

Byways: Haven't you read what the apostle Paul said about "Testing all things and holding fast to that which is good"?

Pilgrim: Yes, but in that direction lies an amusement part.

Byways: Sure does. Its called "Dizzy Land". And right next door is "Mary's Mighty America". Say, have you ridden "The Suicide Wave" yet?

Pilgrim: No. But you say the city lies that way so why are you...?

Byways: Look, my theory is this, friend. We pass on this journey but once and the path is straight and narrow. My plan is not only to walk the straight and narrow but to fill my life with every experience possible.

Pilgrim: For Example?

Byways: Well, I check out every good movie that comes out, for one thing.

Pilgrim: But the church fathers advise us not to attend movies. Hotbeds of immorality and vice they call them.

Byways: I know! I know! That's why I go. I mean, I can't just take the church's word for it, so I go myself to see if movies really do have a bad effect.

Pilgrim: And did you find evil there?

Byways: Oh! Did I ever! You would not believe the corruption I've seen. Swearing, violence, blasphemy. Oh, man!

Pilgrim: How awful!

Byways: I'd say. And tats not the worst of it! There are subliminal suggestions going on all the time and some real subtle mind control.

Pilgrim: Really! My! But, say, aren't you afraid of being contaminated by all that stuff?

Byways: Me? Certainly not. I've got the Guidebook and I know whats right. No Problem!

Pilgrim: Hmmm? What else did you check out?
Byways: Well, I've been checking out the music scene lately.

Pilgrim: Oh? Is it as bad as the church says?

Byways: You bet. In fact its ten times worse! Those speakers are blowin' out 115 to 130 db man. Why you stand in front of those things and you feel like you're in a windstorm.

Pilgrim: Do you wear ear plugs?

Byways: No way! I want to experience what those kids are experiencing. That way I can speak to them with authority when I tell them to stop going to those places.

Pilgrim: Oh. Say, aren't you concerned about damaging your hearing?

Byways: What?

Pilgrim: I said... never mind. What else?